The Celtic God and The Guru

A True Story by J.A.Coburn AKA Celtic God

Gather round! Gather round! Sit, sit. Ah yes, is everybody ready? Hey you! Yeah! In the back there! Are you joining us or do you plan to continue examining your bellybutton like some kind of simpleton? Yeah that’s right turn around. Ok…

Now mind this is a true story. Yes that is what it means, it really happened. Now shhh and listen, I am telling you how to handle arrogant pricks from Universalist religions of all sorts. Ok… so where was I? Oh Yeah!

So… Once upon a time not so long ago I was working in this factory you see? And this factory had many Dravidians working there. Dravidians that were Hindu as most are. See these weren’t any old Dravidians but they were Dravidians FROM the land of Dravidia also known as India. Oh. Well there was that one guy from Nepal but anyway. These Dravidians were very devout Hindus and had even set up their own temple having imported a Guru all the way from their native homeland to guide them in their Hindu ways in growing their religion among those who lived in this land so far from their own homeland. But I am getting ahead of myself.
Well see it all started with a few simple and naïve (that is on my part) conversations between myself and them… What? No the Guru didn’t work there. What priest have you ever heard of that had an honest job? Now shh.. Anyway. See these conversations started innocent enough when I mentioned off hand that I am not a Christian as they had assumed based on my race but that in fact I am a follower of the Hyperborean Ethnic Faith which really isn’t a faith at all but more… “a way of being”, I suppose. A way which is reinforced by history, lore, customs and the many cultures of our people.
See these conversations for me were very interesting and exciting as most of the people I had talked to about it up to this point either dismissed it as inconsequential or as some weird form of “Devil Worship” and these people seemed genuinely interested in our ancient customs and world views, as if they were using our stories to come to a deeper understanding of themselves as that is what I was doing myself.

See what you do is first identify the similarities, then you figure out the reason behind those similarities (which are quite often done for very different reasons.) Then you identify the differences and repeat the same process. By doing this you end up highlighting the differences between the bio-spirits in question.

But as it turns out they had lied to me in telling me that Hinduism was their Ethnic Faith not a universalist one and that other religions such as the Abrahamic religions, Buddhism and the like were bastardized and “stolen” from them, warping their religion to take control of vast areas of land and people. Which in my naivete I was want to believe as they even provided a reasonable amount of logic and historic evidence to substantiate their claims.
So in my innocence I thought we were having discussions to better understand the differences and uniqueness of our relative species. As they even agreed with our people that there are or were in fact 5 races of man, each unique of the other, and so are different species but that through means and mechanizations of modernity that, that number though it has not grown has instead become dangerously muddied and unsure.
There were many red flags that I should have noticed during these discussions but again… we are a naïve and trusting people until given reason to be otherwise. Red flags such as the ever changing age of their religion first stating that it was over 2,500 years old. Then when I laughed at that as 2,500 years is a drop in the bucket for our people it magically changed to really being over 6,000 yrs old. After patiently explaining to them that the Hyperborean Ethnic Faith IS our people and so our stories are painted on the walls of caves and found in archeological findings all across our lands including truly ancient findings such as petrified bones and the items rediscovered within the graves of which I told them of some cave paintings that are dated to well over 10,000 years. By coincidence their religion suddenly became 15,000 years old! However perhaps it is a good thing that I never really noticed these red flags rationalizing them away because had I noticed the next parts of the story would have never happened.

Cave Bear, Cave Painting in the Chauvet Cave of France

Now came a day these people approached me all very excited chattering away in their own way like excited little monkey’s or squirrels or something. No that isn’t mean! Have you ever seen them?! They are only about nipple high and just small in every way. Tiny little creatures! Even when they are big there is something about them that … well they are just small and excitable almost like you want to pet them or something. Now shut up and listen! So they come to me all excited and jabbering away all huddled around their phone and asked me very proudly if I wanted to see some of their gods because it would show me how powerful their gods truly are. With great disinterest I informed them that I had no interest in seeing their gods as not only was I busy at the moment but I had already seen their gods and have no interest in them. But they assured me that since I come from a warrior people I would be very interested in seeing their warrior gods as they excitedly shoved their phone in my face.
Upon seeing the proffered image I shook my head in confusion and asked what I was looking at. Then in a near panic they all started flipping through the pictures as they jabbered away in their own tongue I assume discussing which images to show to then impress me. And this process repeated a few times before in aggravation they asked me what it was I was not understanding. This is when in my own confusion I asked them “Well you came over here asking me to look at your war gods then proceed to show me a string of your goddesses and you want to get upset with me because I don’t want to stand around waiting all day? Hurry up and get to the point I’m busy right now.”
“What do you mean goddesses?!” asked their ring leader indignantly “These are our most powerful and mighty war gods! How do you not see?”.
Even more confused I returned his indignation with incredulous confusion “But all of those gods have long hair, dresses, make-up and more than a few have breasts! How are those gods? None of those even have beards. You’re fuckin’ with me right?!”

Some of the War Gods Shown to Celtic God in the Story From left to right Krishna, Shiva and Vishnu. What they really look like according to Hindu Tradition.

Drawing himself to the top of his meager height he then demanded if these looked like goddesses to me what do our gods look like? So happily I pulled up a few pictures showing them Thor and Tyr and The Dagda. Then I showed them Cernunos and Hern! I showed them The Great Wolf and The World Serpent! I showed them Nuada of the Silver Arm and Lugh of the Long Arm! I showed them The World Tree and the Trolls, the Giants and the Fae! As I showed them more and more of our gods I could see the horror growing upon their faces as the realization of who they faced slowly dawned on them. “You worship devils and animals!” they exclaimed as they all but ran from my presence like a bunch of skittering rodents that finally realized they were in the presence of a hungry cat! Of course I stood there bewildered staring at their backs as they fled.

Examples of the Gods Celtic God showed to the Dravidians From Left to Right/Top to Bottom: Thor, The Dagda, Tyr, Cernunnos, Herne the Hunter, A Troll Nature/War Spirit, The World Serpent, The Great Wolf and a War focused Fae. (Not Pictured Lugh of the Long Arm, Nuada of the Silver Arm, The Giants, and many other gods shown to the Dravidians)

It wasn’t long however before they made their duplicity known to one even as trusting and blind to deceit as myself. One by one they would approach me fervently trying to explain how our people simply forgot that we are truly Hindu and that our Gods are but creations and aspects of their own. That we are worshiping the creations not the creators You have heard that one before from other religions eh? As I brushed them aside; sometimes with logic, sometimes with history, customs or lore and on occasion outright dismissal and scorn, their impassioned attempts to “Get me to see the truth” became more and more desperate. Until one day they brought their Guru there to speak with me, going so far as to get permission from the Company executives to allow him into the building.
This little twig of a man balder than the day we are born and wrinkled as an old pair of testicles approached me in the company of the Dravidian that led the gaggle that worked there and I had been verbally sparing with directly and indirectly. “Here I have brought you Guru Whateverhisnamewas to talk to you, here is the paper from HR that says he can be here and that you can talk to him however long you need for you to see that our religion is the religion of the world. He is a very wise man and can show you the errors of your ways and that you indeed need to come to the light of whatevergodheinvokedIthinkShivaorsomething.“.

Taking a deep breath I prepared to dispatch this “wise” man as quickly and efficiently as I could, having had many such spiritual battles in the past with priests of other Universalistic religions. As polite and sweet as pie he formally introduced himself and asked me if I knew anything of the religion of his people which he represented. To which I honestly responded that I did not know much and quite frankly from what I had seen didn’t really have any intention to. However he pressed on and so I then invited him to enlighten me as to the wisdom and knowledge of his cult. He clearly was unimpressed with being called a cult member but took it in stride, then he opened his true discussion with “Have you ever considered that all that you know might be incorrect and that there is a singular truth hidden just out of sight?”
At this point I knew I had the duplicitous little cunt with his self-righteous attitude right where I wanted him as I answered incredulously “Of course! What sort of man does not wake up in the morning and consider if at least for a moment that everything he has ever heard, read or thought might not be incorrect? A pretty stupid one most likely. Kind of like the notion of a singular truth. Everyone knows that does not exist. What is true over here is not necessarily true over there. Water is wet and flows downhill for sure but it also flows uphill and is sometimes wetter or dryer than at other times.” and I think at that moment his brain broke but to give him credit as the top notch swindler he was and really as all priests are, he soldiered on desperately trying to convert me.

So we sparred back and forth for a minute or two each uttering “wisdoms” which really I call a common sense possessed by any living creature Yes even you back there Mr. AdjustingmyflylikeIhavesomething when suddenly he shifted tactics! He switched to flattery! Can you believe it?! Like anyone could win me over with something so obvious as empty flattery! I already know I am born of the Gods! Ha… anyway! He proceeds to describe to me how their ranking system works. So it turns out they have this system where you are born into a social class and are stuck there until you die right? Then the better or worse of a person you are at following the rules in your next life you slide up or down the rankings. Now as it turns out this is in part dictated by your skin color, skeletal structure, wealth and did you buy your way up the social ladder kind of thing. To be honest I kind of spaced out through this line of bullshit but what woke me up was when he said “The Brahmin is the Highest of the castes and that you would be one in Hindu society automatically because of your white skin and the lightness of your hair and eyes. These are Powerful traits and an indication of the blessings of the gods upon you. And your position would be cemented because you have a very deep understanding of life.”.
Interested now I asked what it meant to be a Brahmin leaning in conspiratorially when he told me his undoing “To the devout Hindu all things in this world belong to the Brahmin as it is under his custodianship for the gods. If you ever needed for anything, anything at all! Any Hindu of a lower caste than yourself would have to surrender it to you without question or resistance or risk everything in the eyes of the gods!”.
“For real?” I asked.
“Yes Truly this is the way of the true Hindu.” He answered smugly wobbling his head in that odd way that they do with a self-satisfied smirk on his face.
“Wow that is something, thank you.” I said with wonder in my voice as his head began wobbling so hard I thought it might roll right off his neck. “I need some money. Give me all the money in your wallet. And while you are at it go into the break room and get all the money of all the Hindus that called you here to talk with me. I think I like this!” I exclaimed.
His eyes widened in horror as the realization of what he had done washed over him “But that is not what that means!” he said immediately trying to back peddle.
“But that is what you just told me. Are you a liar or just not as devout as your followers think you are?” I said in a predatory way as I moved in on him like a wolf over a rabbit “By the way that is a nice shirt. And those pants. I think I will need those too.”.
“But my clothes won’t fit you!” he quailed.
“I have children.” I responded rising up so he could feel my size and weight looming over him waiting to crash down and crush him.
At that point he screamed like a child and fled the building leaving me not a penny richer. Too bad. That was a nice shirt too…

An Illustration Depicting a Fantastical Version of Celtic God (Coburn’s) Fight with a bear, next to him is a generic Guru, CG didn’t exactly take pictures during the exchange.

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